


The Real Thing

by imnotbuck



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Emotions, Hoarding, Kleptomania, M/M, Memory Loss, Obsessive-Compulsive, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Service Dogs, Shoplifting, Speech Disorders, Stuffed Toys, Stuttering, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8760784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotbuck/pseuds/imnotbuck
Summary: Bucky doesn't understand emotions, but he knows he loves Steve Rogers– even if having Captain America memorabilia around is easier than being near the real Steve.





	

Bucky, well, Bucky isn't comfortable with feelings. For so long he hasn't experienced any because he hasn't been allowed to, so he doesn't know how to work around them. Sam– a new friend, though more Steve's than his– tells him that feelings aren't really meant to be worked around; he had to work with them, they make him a person. Bucky always bites back the response that maybe he isn't a person, not fully anyway. 

He doesn't know how to express the recent surge of emotions that he's having. Sometimes he gets angry and can only smash things. He gets upset over something miniscule that he wouldn't have noticed before and weeps. Everything is just… 

Too much.

Too soon.

It's strange to him that one person can have so many diverse feelings that happen so rapidly. Feeling is like blinking; a subconscious thing that's natural and necessary. Bucky still doesn't understand them. He tries constantly but it isn't enough, he feels but doesn't get why he does. Expressing ‘simple’ emotions– he's come to realize that no emotion is simple– is taxing on him. Everyone is extremely patient with him and supports him though he doesn't think that he deserves it– Steve is the most supportive and understanding of all.

That's why it's so difficult to wrap his head around what he feels for Steve. 

Steve.

God, Steve. He's sweet on Steve. 

That's the most frustrating part; saying that he's sweet on him doesn't cover it. It's not a crush because that's too small and it's not love because that's too broad. It's more than anything he can fathom. He's completely head over heels, mind numbing, body quivering, heart racing in love with him. That's the only way he can put it and it's still not enough to express the multitude of things that he feels. He can't even say that he likes Steve– he can barely say anything to Steve. When Steve comes around with his sweet blue eyes and summery smile, he gets even more tongue-tied and confused than he normally is. He can't talk to Steve, so he admires– really, he collects.

It starts with a simple plastic keychain shaped like Steve's shield; Bucky takes it from a rack without a second thought. He finds a calendar with The Avengers on it and takes that, too. He keeps the calendar in his room and uses the keychain in his pocket at all times to use like a worry stone. There are trinkets and even memorabilia dedicated to Captain America and The Avengers– they catch his attention in mere seconds. He finds a store full of hero collectibles and needs the little action figure that sits in the window display, but it'd be too difficult to steal and he isn't at all comfortable with dealing with salespeople. It's a problem, because he wants it so much.

Wanting is good, or so Sam has told him. He's allowed to want and he wants the figure. It takes him a day and a half to work up the nerve to go in the store. When he does he's overwhelmed with another new feeling; excitement. There's an entire section that's bursting with Steve. His face, name, costume, and shield are everywhere! Bucky gapes at the bright colours and has to physically force himself not to run his fingers over everything. 

“Do you need any help?” A salesperson says, having managed to sneak up on him. He hides his flinch and swallows.

“I, I'm looking for an action figure of St–Captain America. It was in, in the storefront a few days ago.” He expects her to laugh at him for his awkward speech and is surprised when she doesn't. In fact, she taps her chin and nods when she remembers it. 

“Actually, that figure was the only one in stock. It's a collectible.” Bucky sags with disappointment and she looks sad for him. “But there are others. There's tons of stuff that's pretty similar; dolls, figures, and plushies.” His eyebrows knit together.

“Plushies.” 

“Yeah. They're like stuffed animals but way softer and honestly cuter. There's this new toy series called tsum tsums. Everyone goes crazy for them.” Bucky considers this for a moment.

“They have ones for, for him?”

“Of course!” He tries very hard not to be startled by her enthusiasm. “They come in three different sizes; standard which are plush, large which are maybe the size of a throw pillow, and extra large which are like a small dog. There are also plastic versions that come in three smaller sizes.” Bucky's eyes widen. 

“Do you have them all?” 

“Absolutely! I can show you them if you like.” She says and smiles kindly. He's nodding before he even realizes. “Okay, they're just over here.” She leads him to a brightly coloured display against the back wall. There are dozens of different tsum tsums of various heroes and characters and animals– he's instantly fascinated by them. “Cute, right?”

“Yeah.” She points to a shelf with the Steve tsum tsums on it and gestures to the different sizes. 

“The extra large ones are in here.” She says and pats a bin. “I personally have a bunch of them. My roommate says they take up too much space but if I need more, she'll be the first to go.” He recognizes it as a joke and smiles a little.

“I can, can look at these?”

“Of course! Take your time, I'm right at the front if you need anything.” She leaves him by himself and he takes one of the smaller plushies off of the shelf. It's very soft and warms up in his flesh hand quickly. He takes the next size and then the package of plastic ones. He hesitates before taking the biggest one out of the bin. It's perfect and he wants it badly. 

Bucky ends up leaving the store with a bag full of the smaller tsum tsums and one with just the large toy in it. When he gets back to Steve’s apartment– theirs, Steve insists– Steve is nowhere in sight. Bucky can't help but be relieved, he can't have Steve finding out. It'd be way too embarrassing. He goes to his room and locks the door, lies his new toys out on one of the shelves in his closet. He doesn't have many clothes– “Buck, you're allowed to have more stuff than that”– so he has a lot of space to keep his 'collectibles’. His calendar is hanging up there and he has a few other small things too, all of them important to him.

Bucky keeps the big one out and lies on his bed with it. There's a minute of hesitation but he ends up hugging it tightly and sighing, for once he's content. He falls asleep and doesn't have any nightmares. Instead he dreams of holding Steve like that.

-

Bucky goes back to the store a few more times that week and becomes familiar with the woman that first helped him. Her name is Nelly and he likes talking to her; she isn't pushy and helps him whenever he needs it. They spend a lot of time talking, Bucky mostly listens but does try to say more. She becomes something like a friend and he looks forward to going to the store to buy things that bring Steve closer to him and get comfortable human interaction.

“You've been going out a lot lately.” Sam says during one of their dinners. He and Sam have dinner once a week so that he can check in on Bucky. It's kind of a relief, because Sam is kind and gentle with him without being condescending. “Steve told me.”

“I am.” He says and moves the noodles around on his plate. Sam makes good spaghetti. His meatballs are a little weird though.

“I’m proud of you.” Bucky likes the gentle praise, it makes him feel like he's doing something right. He knows he's not a dog or a child but it's still nice to have his accomplishments acknowledged. “Do you go anywhere in particular?” Bucky looks up at him in a panic.

“You, you can't tell Steve.” Sam is clearly caught off guard.

“Woah there, what's wrong?” 

“He, if he knows where I go he'll show up. I don't want him to.” He whispers, stomach turning. Sam is going to tell him for sure and it'll all be ruined. 

“It's not a weapons shop or something dangerous is it?”

“No.”

“Something sexual?” Bucky shakes his head quickly. He's not exactly comfortable with sex either.

“I, it's a superhero store.” He mumbles. “Memorabilia, collectibles, things like that.” He puts a big forkful of spaghetti in his mouth so he doesn't have to talk anymore. Surprisingly, Sam doesn't look like he's judging him or getting ready to mock him at all. He looks like he doesn't think that what Bucky said is embarrassing at all. 

“That's cool. Do they have any Falcon stuff?” Sam asks with a straight face and Bucky surprises both of them by laughing. Sam grins at him.

“Yeah, they have a ton of it.” 

“Badass. Maybe one day when you're comfortable with it, I could go with you.”

“Sure.” He says and starts to eat with enthusiasm. “That'd be cool.” That's probably the first time he's ever said cool in that context in his life.

-

Bucky learns online that tsum tsums are meant to be stacked. He tries it out– minus the biggest one which stays on his bed– and is pleased with the result. He has more space for his miniature shield and brand new comic books. He buys a small rack to keep the comics on and organizes them by the date they were released. Looking at them makes him feel more grounded because he can connect with printed Steve, he can make sense of him.

Steve starts staying around the house more which makes it harder for him to sneak in his stuff. He decides to go a few days without buying anything and it really starts to get to him. He starts to shake and has more ticks, his speech is even more awkward and he's nervous. It's another thing that doesn't make sense.

“Hey, Buck.” Steve says after two days of his backslide. Bucky jumps a little and Steve looks immediately sorry. Bucky's chest aches at his expression. “Sorry.”

“It's, it's fine.” 

“I uh, I don't mean to sound judgmental or confrontational but I’ve noticed that you haven't been doing so well lately. Something happen?” Bucky pulls the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands to hide the tremors. “You can tell me if you want.” He can hear the disguised plea in Steve's voice.

“I,” I love you, he thinks, but I can't tell you so I've been collecting things about you and now I'm short-circuiting because I've gone too long without getting something new.

He can't tell him. Steve will think he's even stranger than he already does, he'll think he's obsessed. Even worse– he could get angry and hurt him, punish him for being a creep. Worst of all, he could leave him.

“Oh Bucky.” Steve croaks. “I'm so sorry. I pushed– I shouldn't have. I know you.. I know you like to talk to Sam about things like this. I just– I thought you might wanna talk to me.” Steve swallows thickly and stares at Bucky's face. Bucky realizes then that he's been crying. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed.”

For causing Steve's sadness, Bucky hates himself. Steve must've been happy before he came along with his fried motherboard and broken parts. Now he's sad, he's always so sad.

“It's not– you didn't, didn't do anything!” Bucky shouts, furious with himself. Steve startles and jerks back. Now he's scared him, how will he ever learn how to be a person again? He can't even be Steve's friend properly! “You never do anything! It's not your fault, it's not!” Bucky shoots to his feet and feels like he's malfunctioning. People don't malfunction, but he's not a person. 

“Bucky, please try to calm down.” Again, he's feeling too much. He's doing it all wrong. “It's okay.” 

“I, I, I, I, stop! You didn’t– stop!” Steve looks just shy of crying himself. “Just, just, it's,”

“I'll stop, I promise. I promise I won't do it again.” That's the horrible problem; Bucky wants him to do it again. He wants to tell Steve how he's feeling and what he's been doing but he can't. His words are never right and his feelings are too strong and he loses what little mind he has left. “I'm sorry.” Bucky shakes his head and runs to his bedroom. He grabs his favourite tsum tsum off of his bed and hides in the closet, slides the door shut behind him, and holds it close. He curls up small and cries against the soft material. 

“I'm sorry.” Bucky whispers to his small Captain America. “I’m sorry.” Miniature Captain America forgives him.

-

After his outburst, Sam starts coming over more and Steve is around less. It breaks Bucky's heart a little. Steve must not want to deal with him anymore; he doesn't blame him but it still hurts. It hurts differently than The Chair did but it's worse in it's own way. He still ticks more.

“Can, can, can you tell Steve that I'm sorry?” Bucky asks Sam softly. Sam buys the boardwalk.

“What do you think you should apologize for?”

“I glitched and scared him.” Bucky bites his lip. “I upset him when he, he was trying to help.”

“Buck, those are your feelings. You don't have to apologize for them.”

“I yelled at him.” 

“Okay, maybe you shouldn't have yelled, but it's still okay to express your feelings. I'm sure he understands.”

“I, I, I glitch when he's around. All the time. I can't control my, my, words and my heart goes too fast and I don't, don't, know what I'm feeling.” Sam looks up at him fully and smiles, very small and encouraging. 

“You like him.” Bucky stares at him blankly.

“I love him.” He says and Sam looks shocked for a minute. 

“Have you told him this?”

“I can't. He, he, it's not right yet. I don't know how to– I glitch too much and upset him. I hurt him.”

“You know he's not mad at you, don't you?” Bucky doesn't answer because he truly doesn't know. “He's scared of hurting you because he cares about you.”

“I don't want to leave him.” Bucky whispers. “Even, even, even if he'd be better off without me, I don't want to go.” Sam gets off of the floor and sits beside Bucky on the couch.

“I’m gonna touch you, is that okay?” Bucky nods. Sam puts his hand on Bucky's shoulder. “You don't have to leave, no one wants you to do that. Steve most of all.” Bucky stands up and puts the play money on the table.

“Can I show you something? I want to.” Sam looks pleased and nods. Bucky brings Sam to his room and grabs his captain off of the bed. He shows it to Sam but doesn't give it to him out of fear that he'll take it. “This is what I bought at the store.” 

“You're ashamed of that?”

“It's, it's, strange. Steve is right there and I can't, can't talk to him. I can have this but not talk to him.”

“Buck, it's not strange at all. In fact it's perfectly normal to have something that makes you feel safe, it's a security blanket.” Sam's rational answer still doesn't sit well with him. Bucky puts his captain back on the bed and opens the closet up. Sam looks in curiously and goes silent. 

“I, I want to be near him but I can't. I don't know how to say anything to him, so I do this. He makes me– it's safer this way. It's wrong but I have to.” 

“This is why you yelled at Steve?” Sam asks and Bucky nods.

“My, my ticks were getting worse because I stopped getting stuff for a few days. I felt off. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell him. He kept saying sorry and it wasn't his fault, I couldn't get out what I wanted to say and got frustrated. I yelled and he thought I was mad at him. He didn't, didn't do anything.”

“I think you should take small steps with him. You don't have to have a long conversation or be all over him, just try to be around him a little more or talk to him for a minute or two.” 

“I, I can try.” Sam smiles.

“Couldn't help but notice you're missing Falcon stuff, Buck. Can't say I'm not a little hurt.” It's a joke and it's funny, so he laughs.

-

Steve is in the kitchen reading the newspaper, one of his hands tapping against the counter. The tapping stabilizes Bucky and he rubs his keychain for support. “Steve?” Bucky asks. Steve looks up quickly.

“Hi Bucky.” 

“What, what're you reading about?” Steve looks pleasantly surprised. 

“A dog show. A poodle named Fiona won best in show.” Steve says and Bucky takes in the sweet sound of his voice. “Wanna sit? I can tell you more.” 

“Sure.” Bucky sits down across from him and Steve lies the paper flat on the counter. 

“Dog shows are apparently a huge thing now. You can win a lot of money.” Steve scans the article. “They’ve got judgements who look the dogs over thoroughly.”

“They, they get paid to look at dogs?”

“Apparently.” Bucky starts to tap his metal fingers on the counter just like Steve is. The vibration is oddly comforting. 

“I think I'd like to do that.” Steve looks up and smiles. He radiates pure excitement.

“You like dogs?”

“I was, was on the internet and found pictures of all sorts of dogs. They have these therapy dogs that are trained to help people like, like me.” Bucky hasn't really thought about them much until now and Steve's excitement about it makes him want to talk about it for as long as possible. 

“Would you be interested in having one?” 

“Would you?” 

“I've always wanted a dog, actually. But I've never really had time. If you're up for it I think having a dog would be real nice.” Bucky nods.

“Okay, let's get one. I'll take care of it, it too.” 

“Do you have a type in mind? Big or small?” 

“Can, can we look first?” He asks shyly. Steve smiles. 

“Of course.”

-

Steve takes Bucky to a dog shelter that specializes in therapy dogs. There are more dogs than he imagined there would be and they're all very calm; he likes them. Steve walks close to him but doesn't try to initiate physical contact– he appreciates it but he also wishes he would. Bucky wants to touch him but he won't make the first move.

“Just go with the dog that you feel connected to.” The attendant Catrina says kindly. “It's all about working together with your dog, so you have to be cohesive.” 

“So we can just look around?” Steve asks softly. 

“Yes, if you'd like to see one just let me know and I'll open the pen.”

“Thank you.” Bucky starts walking around and looks into each enclosure carefully. Every dog lifts its head in his direction and he gives them all a nod before moving on. The last pen is the one he stops at. The plaque says it's a female St Bernard named Loca. 

“Loca.” Bucky murmurs and touches the gate. Loca looks up and pads over to him, her tail wagging just a little. “Steve?” 

“Yeah Buck?” 

“Can, can we see her? I want to.” He adds because he knows communicating his wants is important. 

“Excuse me ma’am? We’d like to see Loca.” 

“Sure.” She unlocks the pen and pulls it back. “You can go in if you want.” He looks at Steve. “I want to.” 

“You wanna go in together?” The hope in Steve's voice makes him nod. “Lead the way.” Bucky walks into the pen and sits down on the soft carpet. He reaches his hand out and Loca walks over to put her nose against his palm. He feels a surge of relief and comfort.

“Hi there, Loca.” Bucky says and pets her nose carefully. She moves a tiny bit closer and he sighs. “I'm Bucky.” She sniffs at him and licks his hand. “That's Steve over there. You're, you're gonna like him.” 

“Hi Loca.” Steve walks over and kneels down. He pets her head and she makes a happy noise. “You're a nice girl, aren't you?” 

“I, I like her.” 

“Me too.” 

“Can, can we get her?” Steve nods.

“She's perfect.” Bucky wishes that Steve would call him perfect, even just once.

-

Loca makes a great addition to the house. She's calm and quiet and gives Bucky affection when he's in need of it. She draws Bucky out of his shell accompanies him on his trips to the superhero shop, goes in with him and follows him around quietly. Nelly falls in love with her and gives her belly rubs while Bucky shops.

Because of her, he and Steve start spending more time together. She sits between them on the couch while they watch television and wakes them both in time for breakfast. They speak a fraction more and the positive signs show in both of them. Sam is over the moon about it.

It's still dark when Bucky gets up. He stumbles out of bed and gets dressed fast, grabs Loca’s leash and service dog vest, and leaves his room. Steve is by the door tying his shoes when Bucky gets out to the living room. “Hey, hey Steve?” He asks and Steve looks over his shoulder at him. 

“Yeah Buck?” 

“Could, could Loca and I go with you on your run t-today?” He tries to keep his shoulders back and his demeanour positive. Steve's entire face brightens. 

“Yeah, 'course!” Bucky flinches slightly but thankfully Steve doesn't notice. “Are you set to go now?”

“I just have to get Loca’s stuff on.” 

“Would you mind if I did it?” Steve chews on his lip after he asks and Bucky wants to reach for him, to comfort him. He shouldn't ever be nervous about wanting– if Bucky's allowed to want, so is Steve.

“Sure S-Steve.” He passes Steve Loca's stuff and watches him put them on. Steve pets Loca as a reward for sitting still and letting him do what he needs to without fussing. Bucky likes seeing how caring Steve is, it makes his chest fill with lightness. Steve stands up and stretches out a bit.

“Ready?” Bucky nods, not trusting his voice just yet. Steve walks at Bucky's pace and leads Bucky and Loca out of the building and to a nearby park. “It's still pretty early so not many people should be here. I like it better this way.” 

“I've never been, been here.” Bucky says and takes a look around. For once he isn't looking for threats; he's taking in how nice the park is. “I like it.”

“I'm glad.” Loca trots ahead of Bucky and Steve is just close enough to his side to make him comfortable. With both of them around he feels safer than he usually does. “I umm, I don't want to freak you out but.. I’ve noticed that you're doing really well lately and I umm, I'm really happy about it.” 

“You, you are?” 

“Yeah. Seeing you doing your best and getting results is amazing. You deserve to be happy and healthy and live a life that satisfies you.” Steve sounds so genuine that it causes sparks of unknown feelings to ignite inside of him. He loves Steve, he truly does. Sometimes it feels like Steve might love him too. 

He wants things, more things than he thought he'd ever want, but most of all he wants Steve to love him too. 

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“I, I want you to be happy too. You–you should be happy.” With me, he thinks but keeps it inside. Sam says he shouldn't keep feelings buried but this one shouldn't be put out there so simply. “Even, even if it's living life differently.”

“What do you mean?” Steve asks carefully. Bucky thinks he must already know.

“I know that, that I'm not easy to be around. It must hurt to be around me; I'm not, not that guy you knew. I can't, I can't be. I don't have a lot of my memories back and I don't think I'll get them back. I have your friend’s face and some of his body but I–I’m not the same. I'm Bucky but I'm not.” 

“Buck,” Steve says after a few minutes, “I don't expect you to be how you were before. It'd be unfair to want that, and I don't want that. I don't see the person you used to be– you're your own person, not someone made up of whatever memories I have. Who you are now? That's who makes me happy. I'm happy being here with you, however you'll let me.” 

Bucky wants. He wants so much in that moment, and Steve might just give it to him.

“Can, can I hold your hand?” Bucky asks nervously. Steve looks at him with the most beautiful expression he's ever seen. 

“Yes.” Bucky reaches out at the same time Steve does and their hands meet. Bucky doesn't really know how to hold hands but Steve doesn't seem to mind how awkward his hold is. “Thanks Bucky.”

“For what?”

“Coming home.”

-

Walking together in the mornings becomes a normal part of their routine. Bucky starts to look forward to it and Loca has more energy too. They go every day until Steve is called away for a mission. Bucky can't describe the feeling in the pit of his stomach that's constantly present now. Steve appears to be feeling the same thing. 

Bucky sits on the couch eating oatmeal while Steve packs a suitcase. He doesn't know why Steve isn't packing in his bedroom like he normally would but he isn't complaining. “I'm sorry about this, Buck. Really.” Steve says sadly. 

“You don't have to, to be. Missions are important.”

“It's not a mission.”

“What is it?” 

“I'm going to see Peggy.” A flash of a woman with brown hair and a deep red dress appears in his mind and fades away just as fast. There's another feeling associated with it– hurt. It's distant, like he felt it a long time ago and it's coming back. 

“P-Peggy.”

“Yeah. She's not doing so well so her family brought her back to London for a little while. She wants to see me.” Bucky takes a big spoonful of oatmeal and Loca shifts closer to him on the couch. She nudges his elbow with her nose and whines. “I don't think I'll be gone for too long.”

“O-okay.” Loca whines again and he reaches down to scratch her head. She doesn't seem satisfied. “It's okay Loca. I'm, I'm fine.”

“Are you?” Steve asks. Loca stares up at him with sad eyes. “I don't have to go.”

“She, she needs you. I won't– I'll be okay.” 

“Are you ready to stay on your own?” Bucky puts his oatmeal on the table in front of him and lets Loca climb onto his lap. She pushes her nose against his stomach and he sighs.

“I am. If I need help, I'll call Sam.” Loca looks as unconvinced as Steve does. He wishes he could get them to believe him but he doesn't really believe himself. 

“You're sure about this.”

“Yes.” 

When Steve leaves a few hours later, Loca and his captain sit with him outside of Steve's room.

-

Bucky's next backslide is inevitable. With Steve gone he feels a gaping hole inside of him that he can't really fill and he hates it. He buys more Captain America memorabilia and keeps it out in his room instead of putting it in his closet. He wants to stop but he can't; Steve is gone, he's alone and cold again. Loca is all over him and seems to understand his emotions better than he does. Having her being so perceptive is still fascinating to him; she knows more about his feelings than he does.

He buys a large container to put the overflow of stuff into. He knows it's strange of him and wants to be normal so desperately, but can't. No matter how hard he tries he’ll never be normal. He can only be Steve's broken robot. He can't even be his friend because he doesn't know what that means. He despises his inability to understand the most basic concepts of human interaction. 

Bucky finds himself thinking about Peggy a lot. He knows nothing about her except the hazy possible memory he got a glimpse of. He realizes that he doesn't like her very quickly and he doesn't know why. There's no way to figure it out because Sam wasn't alive to know and he can't possibly ask Steve. Peggy is one of Steve's closest friends and Bucky, a recent intruder, can't ask why he dislikes someone he doesn't know. 

A week without Steve passes by and Bucky finally cracks and opens up to Sam. “I, I think I might hate someone.” Sam gives him his full attention.

“Who?”

“Peggy.” Saying her name makes his stomach hurt. 

“Peggy Carter?” Bucky nods. “Any reason why?” 

“I don't– I got a little bit of a memory back when, when Steve said her name. I, I don't think it was a good one. I felt strange.” Sam waits for him to continue and speaks when he doesn't.

“You're allowed to hate things, you know, but I can see that you're confused and a little scared by this. It's awful to feel something you can't explain.”

“I hate HYDRA, the handlers, and the scientists. I hate Zola and shouting and weapons and muzzles. I hate them and that makes sense, but I hate her too.” Bucky plays with one of Loca’s ears. “I hate, hate her differently.”

“Differently how?”

“With the other stuff I, I want to destroy it. With her I just… I want to disappear.” He murmurs. “I don't, I feel insignificant and, and it's her fault.” 

“From what I know, they were together or almost.” Sam says and gauges Bucky's reaction carefully. Bucky holds back any outward response which is difficult because it feels as if he's rusting inside. “Steve doesn't talk about her much. When he's been to visit her he comes back exhausted.” 

“Emotions can be, be tiring.”

“You can ask him. I think you should ask him, Buck. You'll never understand if you don't ask.” 

Bucky takes Sam’s advice into consideration. Steve returns the next week and Bucky pounces on him the second he walks through the door. He needs to ask before he convinces himself not to.

“Did you love her?” He asks in his blandest voice. Steve looks lost.

“Who?”

“Peggy.” He fights to keep his voice even and steady. 

“Where's this coming from?”

“Please, please answer me.” Steve looks at him, the silence agonizing. Right now it feels like his heart is being ripped into instead of his brain. He's lost control of himself and is now a slave to feelings he doesn't want. They make him do things he shouldn't; like ask a question like that.

“Yeah, I did.” It hits Bucky hard. The plates in his arm whirl and shift in an attempt to protect himself– the arm can't protect him from this form of pain. “Back then. She, we danced around each other and kissed once. She knew me for a bit before the serum and she liked me then too. Just for being me.”

I did first! 

Well.

Bucky reels in his explosive response and bites his lip to keep from saying anything. He knows that he liked Steve for him, he liked him for years before there was a Peggy Carter. Steve wanted someone to love him despite his flaws– that Bucky never once saw– and looked to Peggy instead of him. Was Steve that oblivious or did he choose not to see? Either way it's still painful. 

“She, she, she must be great.” Bucky's voice quivers. “If you love her.” Steve looks at him with horribly sad eyes.

“I loved her.” Steve whispers. “But not– not like, like I love you.” Bucky's chest feels like an overinflated balloon. 

“You love me.” Bucky says and his hands tremble. “Like I love you?” 

“How do you love me?” 

“Like… like I want to keep you safe. I want… I don't want anyone to have you but me.” He doesn't know if what he's saying is okay or not but it's the only way he can get it across. “It's not– I know I don't remember any of how we used to be but I had you first.” Steve has tears in his eyes. Bucky hates himself once more for upsetting Steve again. 

“I’ve loved you for so long.” Steve says softly. “I never– I never got to tell you before you fell.” Tears spill down his cheeks and he doesn't bother to wipe them away. “It was always you. I loved Peggy but you were always the one for me. I couldn't have you, but I wanted you.” 

“Why, why couldn't you have me?” Bucky is utterly confused. 

“You didn't want me like that.” 

“I did.” Bucky's eyebrows furrow. “I can't remember much but I know I did, Steve. These feelings aren't new; there's too, too much to be new.” 

“Can I hold you, Bucky? I know touch isn't your thing right now but I, I..”

“Yes Steve.” Steve moves forward carefully and hugs Bucky with very little strength. Bucky adjusts his hold and presses himself flush against Steve. He buries his face in Steve's neck and allows himself to melt, molding his body against Steve's. “I love, love you Steve.”

“I love you too Bucky.” Loca hops off the couch and wraps herself around their legs. He still doesn't know his own feelings very well but he knows that this has to be love, pure and true.

-

Their relationship doesn't change much. They go on walks together and watch television with Loca. Bucky has dinner with Sam and sometimes Steve joins them. He spends more time with Steve now, which makes it harder to sneak his purchases into his room. He knows that given how their relationship is progressing he should stop with his collection but it makes him sick to think about. He can only think of when he had a backslide caused by stopping for a short time; it'll be worlds worse if he stops forever.

It's nauseating.

Bucky wants to tell Steve everything but can't. He knows that it'll ruin the progress they've made and make Steve leave him. His hobby isn't good and it's too close to being a stalker for his own liking. He keeps trying to pass it off as gaining intelligence about Steve so that he can know him better but it's too late for that. He can't lie to himself now. Bucky doesn't know where to go from there.

Soon his room is packed so full that being in it hurts his head. He spends very little time there now because it feels like a cryo tank again, small and confining. Instead of going into his room he keeps his shield keychain in his pocket at all times and hides his captain in new places in the apartment every few days. He and Loca stay on the couch almost every night and he pretends to be coming out of his room when Steve wakes up. Loca looks at him disapprovingly when he sneaks around, but it's the only thing he can do. He can't be around the overwhelming amount of items but he can't stop buying things.

Bucky doesn't have the stealth that he did when he was the winter soldier. Now he's sloppy and makes mistakes. That's why his ruse doesn't last for long. Bucky marathons space shows for most of the night and passes out on the couch with Loca lying across his feet. Bucky wakes up because of Steve's slightly raised voice. “Buck? Sorry to wake you but I was thinking we could go on a run a bit later today.” He's groggy for a few minutes until he realizes that Steve is going to his room.

His door isn't locked, his stuff isn't hidden. 

Bucky slips his feet out from underneath Loca and clambers off the couch. He sprints to his room and isn't fast enough. Steve is standing in the doorway staring at the mess of memorabilia all over the room. Bucky can't see his face but he knows he's horrified. His heart races and he starts to shake; Loca nudges the back of his thigh and whines. Steve turns around and stumbles when he meets Bucky's eyes. 

“Please,” Bucky whispers, “please don't, don't make me leave.” Steve doesn't say anything and he flies into a blind panic. “Don't, don't, don't hate me. I know, know this isn't right– I'm s-sorry! I'm s-s-sorry about everything. I'll, I'll get rid of it all just, just don't make me go. Don't– I'm– I can't..” Loca stands on her hind legs and puts her front paws on the back of his thighs so that she can rub her head against his lower back. 

It's too bad that robots, with their lack of emotions and endless circuitry, can't be comforted while they're glitching. He can only be fixed.

“Do, do, do maintenance on me.” Bucky cries. Steve openly flinches and Bucky struggles to keep himself steady. He won't fall, he won't. “Fix, fix me. Start o-o-over!” 

“No, that's not what I want.” Steve says and shakes his head. “I'd never do that to you.”

“Make me b-blank, so I can be good. Help me be, be a person; the person you want.” 

“You know that you're all I want. The person you are now.”

“I'm, I'm not a person! I'm a r-robot, a broken r-robot. I shouldn't be like, like this. I need to be fixed!” He starts to hyperventilate and drops to his knees, hugging Loca to his chest. She holds herself still except for brushing her nose against his neck. “Wipe me, S-Steve. M-make me like your Bucky.” Loca laps at his shoulder and he squeezes his eyes shut.

Being wiped will hurt, he knows it's the worst pain imaginable. But this feeling of emptiness and longing and loss is too much. He can take the chair so long as he doesn't have to take this. He'll do it for Steve because if he's a blank slate, Steve can help him be Bucky Barnes again. The human James Buchanan Barnes and not the mess of spare parts he is now. 

“I wanna touch you now, Bucky. Please let me.” Bucky wonders if this'll be the last contact he feels before punishment. He doesn't resist. Instead he leans toward Steve and brings Loca with him so that they can both be wrapped in Steve's arms. “Please don't say those things to me Bucky. I never want you to think that I want you to be hurt like that. I'll give my life to make sure that never happens again and I'd rather die than have you think that you need to be anything other than who you are for me.”

His breathing starts to even and Loca rubs up against him. Steve kisses the top of his head and Bucky sighs. He's hurting less now.

“You are my world, Bucky, and not out of obligation or because of whatever memories I have. Those days are long gone and we've been through hell since then, but we're here. We're alive and I have you with me again. You make me so happy, Bucky. I never want you to think you're not enough or that you have to change yourself.” 

“I, I, I can stay?” Bucky murmurs.

“Yes Bucky, I want you here. I'll always want you here.” Steve rubs his arm and leans his chin on his head. The weight of it is comforting. “Having that stuff makes you feel safe and comfortable, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So don't get rid of any of it. I'll get you more places to store it, maybe build some shelves. We can move to a new place if you need more space.” Bucky blinks and turns his head a little so that he can press his lips to Steve's jaw. Steve inhales sharply and Bucky can feel his heart racing. “I like knowing that I can be around you constantly even if I'm not really here.”

“I, I, I love you Steve.” 

“I love you too Bucky. Always have, always will.” 

-

Steve helps him organize his things and gets him a shelving unit as well as other things that keep his things in order. Bucky's room is free of clutter and he starts sleeping there again– he sometimes sleeps on the couch with Steve and Loca, too. 

Steve brings Bucky a St Bernard toy that looks almost identical to Loca– it even has her vest– and a tsum tsum that's been made to look like him. They sit on Bucky's bed with his captain and watch over his collection, protecting his things and him while he sleeps. It helps that the real Loca and Steve are there too. 

Somehow, Steve gets him the collectible figurine that he wanted and he dives on him, feeling an amount of happiness that's large but for once isn't overwhelming. In fact, he wants more. Steve gives it to him ten times over.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


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